Getting Along: Forbidden Agendas

This article was first published in Hi Tidings in December 2023.

Forbidden Agendas

By Christo Patty

Human relationships are an intricate dance, you know. Hidden agendas cast an enigmatic shadow over our interactions, whether they be between friends, family members or partners — much like the poetic musings of Derek Walcott. His profound poem "Love After Love” reminds us that self-discovery is key to our connections with others. Hidden desires, unspoken needs, and concealed intentions often lie just beneath the surface, waiting to be unveiled.

Walcott's opening words — ‘The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door’ — encapsulate the essence of forbidden agendas. Partners may secretly long for something more ... something beyond the surface of their relationship. These concealed desires are like unopened letters, filled with untold stories and dreams that yearn for the light of day.

Within relationships, these hidden motives can manifest as suppressed fears, unmet needs, or veiled emotions. Just as Walcott's poetry is layered with intricate emotions and vivid imagery, these concealed intentions contribute to the complex tapestry of human connection. They often breed resentment between couples and family members ... and misunderstanding, overshadowing the true potential for intimacy.

As I work with couples and families, I encourage them to confront these forbidden agendas — to start to hear Walcott's call for self-acceptance and self-love. It’s only through acknowledging their own desires, fears, and insecurities that they can begin the journey toward authentic connection. This is not a selfish act! It is only in the process of ‘greeting themselves arriving’ that they can be more in touch with their inner selves. As they witness each other’s desires and fears they become attuned auxiliaries to each other, fostering deeper bonds.

But this is no easy task. Early neglect from parents and carers, even if unintended, coupled with years of conditioning in “self-criticism and loathing,” have led people to conclude they are unlovable as they are. Unveiling these hidden motives requires courage, self-reflection, and open communication. Partners must be willing to explore their own hidden agendas, just as they might delve into the pages of a poem to reveal the beauty and complexity that lies beneath. Parents and children too ... By doing so, they can transform their relationships into spaces of acceptance, understanding, and mutual growth, much like the elation that Walcott's verse speaks of, where they greet themselves and each other with open hearts and open eyes.

An experiment for you: How might you start the process of unveiling your own hidden agendas — those invisible loyalties that prevent you from behaving in ways that can make you happy — with your family, friends, or partners?